What An Opportunity

The NCAA and you.

In Sports on January 24, 2013 at 12:15 am



Are you worried about making sure your school is doing the right thing? Are you worried about making sure you can do the best you can for your student-athletes? Then you are at the right seminar! We are the NCAA…and we are here to help. Now we’re sorry if we can’t get to all the questions that you have but we will cover what we can.

So let’s get started. First, we can all agree that these student-athletes are amateurs. They are, after all, students first. So…they should not be paid for their sporting endeavors. If, as a school, you happen to make money off a player’s name, number, talent, etc., it is your right as the school to pocket that money. After all, you are providing an education. Moreover, we will sanction video games such as NCAA Football and NCAA Basketball, and partner with media partners like ESPN, but we will leave the players’ actual names off the game so no one can will know. For example, it is impossible for someone to confuse the cover boy of NCAA Football 11, #15 from Florida, as Tim Tebow. We’ll keep that between us.

Now, about that education. Like we said, you will provide athletic scholarships so these individuals can go to school. Also, there will be mandatory study time so the athletes don’t feel overwhelmed. If practice times are too stressful and impede with academics, you can be sure that the athletes would pick an education over sports. There is nothing in our college sports culture that would cause a student-athlete to prioritize sports over an education. Furthermore, no coach would ever intimate to a player that college is just all about the sport. Coaches have to balance the rigors of sports with the realities of gaining a quality education.

In addition, no coach is to help an athlete get a grade he/she did not earn or herd them into courses that are less rigorous with an understanding about the situation; those situations would be unethical. Therefore, we are establishing an Academic Progress Rate. If your athletes fall below a specific number we deem as unacceptable, you will be banned from postseason participation.

Brief aside: Except you, football.  Don’t worry guys. You make us the most money so just keep doing what you’re doing.

Anyway, as I was saying…banned!

Now, let’s talk about criminal proceedings. Most of the time, we don’t really care; we’re not that type of organization. Still, if it makes big enough of a public stir, we’ll poke our heads into it. So, if it’s a crime that involves athletes, we will prosecute to the full extent of the law that we made up for that day; you can’t adjust for everything, you know. And because we made it up that day, we are not accountable for telling you why you received such a punishment. We punish as we see fit.

You see, it’s not our fault…oh, wait. I almost forgot. If we have turned a blind eye to your school’s misgivings because you were winning influential games, do not take that for granted. If you slip up when you are not relevant, we will lay down the law. Furthermore, there is no one we will not talk to in order to get our point across to your institution. That includes the defense attorney of the person that is in prison for providing impermissible benefits to your athletes. We have no reason to doubt the statements of that defense attorney towards said institution and will use them in our court of law as judge, jury, and executioner.

Now, as I was saying before, it is not our fault that you universities are utterly helpless. As beacons of academia, your lightbulb is beginning to dim; and some may argue, have been dimming for some time. It is tough to make money, apart from tuition hikes, so you force faculty to publish as much as possible to get the most money into your school. Yet, sometimes that isn’t enough. So you began to rely on donations.

That method makes alot of sense until the boosters decide that instead of a building named after them, they want to see a winning football team. Coupled with the media contracts and sponsorships associated with popular sports like football and men’s basketball, and the fact that we say you can’t pay your players, you have a wonderful revenue stream. Well, kind of. The actual math is kind of tedious but pretty much only some schools make a profit on sports through ticket sales and sponsors but that’s neither here nor there.

All that you need to know is that we are here and we are here to help you. We are the NCAA. Any questions?


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